Unveiling the hidden costs of outsourcing: cultural misunderstanding could lead to cannibalism in America
1 good reason to avoid sending American jobs overseas
Don’t let the non-diversity of the above picture fool you.
India is a land of vast diversity. The people speak 17 major languages with hundreds of dialects. The country with a population of 1 billion people is projected to outpace China to become the world’s most populous country.
So it is with no surprise that it is my privilege to announce that, yes, the field of outsourced human resource services has finally reached India’s cannibal cult.
The Aghori cult of cannibals who live on the shores of the Ganges River in Uttar Pradesh, India have accepted the proposal from the CEO of your place of employment, where you work in the Contracts and Budgeting department.
You have been selected to travel to India to hammer out the final details of the contract for the cult to assume responsibility for the human resourcing of the company.
Let the negotiations begin!
Not only will you be able to enjoy the highlights of India while finalizing the details of your outsourcing contract, but you will also be invited to partake in a delicious meal of recently cremated humans, the staple diet of your new Human Resource Outsourcing team.
Think contract negotiations are complicated enough with your outsourced departments in Mumbai and Bengaluru? Just wait until you get to interpret the subtle moves of a ritualistic dance dedicated to Shiva, the destroyer while nibbling on a blackened human ear.
Naturally being the honored guest of your new outsourced HR department, you will be expected to consume the eyes of the human corpse placed before you on the banquet table.
You better enjoy them too or you may offend your hosts who might phone up your boss to cancel the incredibly cheap offer from the cult to perform the human resource duties of his company. So show proper respect to your hosts by honoring their traditions or you may be surprised to find yourself at the center of the next festivities as the main meal while your replacement elegantly dances out the proposed amendments to the terms of the preliminary contract proposal, consuming both eyes with grace, honoring the Aghori cult of Shiva worship, welcoming them into India’s expanding outsourcing industry.
What, exactly, is Human Resources?
No matter what the Aghori do to hint that they might not fully grasp every aspect of every duty performed in the former human resource management department of your company, you better do your best on your two day trip to make sure that they understand before you leave, because your boss has his heart set on securing this mutually beneficial bargain basement contract saving him tens, perhaps even a hundred dollars a year.
Bragging rights to having secured the cheapest labor deal in subcontracting history will be his as long as you don’t fuck this up letting your western morals get in the way during contract negotiations.
Be thankful that you don’t work for Hoover, the vacuum cleaner company who outsourced their customer service to the Indian subcontinent over 15 years ago. You should be thankful that you don’t have to display how a vacuum cleaner works by running it along the dirt floor of a shantytown shack with no electrical outlets.
Imagine how happy those American customers are calling into the customer service cult of Brahma who illegally worship the Hindu god of Creation through the ritualistic banging together of cow bells at 4am on Sunday morning beneath the hotel window of an unsuspecting tourist who had a bit too much to drink the previous Saturday night.
Luckily for Hoover, the vacuum cleaner manufacturing company doesn’t receive many calls to their customer service line because every American knows how to operate a vacuum cleaner.
Yes, hospitals in West Virginia have Human Resources departments too.
Your company, however, an independent hospital in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia constantly receives calls from patients unable to read the instructions for their medications and are unsure how to correctly take their medicines.
This is why the CEO and owner of your privately held independent hospital has chosen the Aghori cult to handle these life or death calls. They are intimately familiar with all parts of the human body, have been traditionally for centuries.
In his infinite wisdom and the approval of the Board of Trustees inspired and excited by the drastic cost cuts to the hospital’s budget envision themselves acquiring their second yacht or third vacation home a full year ahead of schedule.
But what do the Aghori think?
The Aghori were also excited to take up the responsibilities of human resource management. They didn’t wait until they made sure they understood all the details of the proposed contract before agreeing to be responsible for the hiring and firing of the staff at the West Virginia hospital. West Virginia with their plethora of unhealthy overly fed on fast food diabetic patients. The shortened life span of the most populous patient population was another bone of excitement for the Aghori.
Talks of firing humans caused a rumbling in many Aghori stomachs during the initial contract negotiations. Negotiations that you, you lucky dog, get to finalize and sign the contract for as representative of the company.
The preliminary discussions have already shown that the Aghori unlike many other cults and tribes seeking to join the outsourcing revolution had extensive knowledge of all the systems of the human body and were very familiar with the preparation of traditional herbs and spices used in the preparation of tinctures for each major system.
And the Board of Trustees at the hospital are okay with this?
The entire Board of Trustees is thoroughly convinced that this contract with the Aghori cult will propel them to new levels of wealth and power.
A few even suggest that if this contract is finalized, that with their newfound wealth and power, a member of the Board could even make a run for the Senate seat held by longtime pseudo Democrat, DINO (Democrat in name only) Joe Manchin, replacing him with a true West Virginian working class Democrat, someone who sits on the board of Trustees of. a local independent hospital.
Someone who, while his parents paid for him to attend medical school, had to put in the actual hours required of his residency before earning his M.D. qualifying him to be appointed to the Board of Trustees just a few short years out of medical school.
The pressure is on you.
So, don’t worry too much. There’s a lot riding on this contract, possibly even ensuring that the free world remains free if the Democrats could only wrestle that one Senatorial seat away from themselves.
So, don’t worry, no pressure. Everyone is on your side and has your back, that is, as long as you’re successful and don’t muck it up potentially causing an international incident.
Isn’t this the reason you went to college and majored in Music Theory to begin with?
To be a lynchpin in international politics and business outsourcing the jobs of your friends in the Human Resources Department? The same people who you went to elementary school and high school with? Your longtime friends from the only high school located in the same community as the hospital?
I’m sure they will be happy for you and your successful negotiation of the contract that makes them jobless, taking from them the only salaries in the county that paid a living wage outside of the coal mines.
I’m sure that they will be very happy for you and your oh-so-special college education that means, as a Music Theory major, you get to keep your job, at least momentarily, in the Contracts and Budgeting Department, one of the few non-medical departments of the hospital still on American soil.
I’m sure that my readers are smart enough to figure out what happens next in this tale of warning about the dangers of outsourcing jobs overseas. They don’t need me to accentuate the risks of engaging with a cannibalistic cult while at the same time dismissing hard working Americans from their jobs with no job prospects to replace them.
What will happen to West Virginia, to America?
Once they associate unemployment with cannibalism in a small independent West Virginian hospital, what’s there to stop the practice from spreading across the country?
It won’t take long before cannibalism, like communism before it, is threatening our traditional American systems in Washington D.C. itself.
We would be well reminded to remember the crusade of another Senator named Joe, but from Wisconsin, Senator Joe McCarthy and his fight to stop the spread of godless communism to America’s free shores.
The obvious failure of that Senator Joe bear constant reminders around us every day, with communist publications, like Medium, taking over the internet. The vestiges of our former freedom lie as dead as an aborted fetus on top of a New York pizza. The pinkos and the supporters of fluoridation won that ideological battle. Don’t let the outsourcers bring another godless c-word to this nation. Cannibalism is an ugly unholy habit that once you start is hard to break.
So, phone up an independent West Virginian hospital and tell them that you are sick of them promoting cannibalism as a lifestyle choice for Americans.
And stop outsourcing our jobs to non-Christian Indian communists and cannibals leaving red-blooded American workers without a means to support themselves and their families.
Keep America and Americans at the top of the food chain.
Speak out against outsourcing wherever it rears its pinko communist cannibalistic head. Keep American bodies and businesses whole and in one location as God intended them to be. Because someone munching on a nipple overseas does not and cannot possibly comprehend what your needs entail for a medical or vacuum cleaner specialist right here in the good ole’ US of A.
